This blog was inspired by Russell Shaw’s Atlantic essay, “Lighthouse Parents Have More Confident Kids.” Shaw’s description of the lighthouse parent—a steady adult who offers guidance and support without trying to control every part of a child’s journey—gave me a useful way to think about the work we do with children at Saklan.
Parenting did not become a commonly used verb until around 1970.
Before that, people were simply parents.
Since then, parenting has become something we study, measure, and constantly try to improve. There are books, podcasts, experts, courses, apps, and endless advice about how to raise children well.
Developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik suggests that instead of seeing children as people with whom we are in relationship, we can begin to see them as projects whose outcomes we are responsible for producing.
She describes the difference as being like the difference between a carpenter and a gardener.
I do not think she is far off.
Along the way, we have developed all sorts of labels for parents: helicopter parents, snowplow parents, tiger parents, free-range parents, concierge parents, and more.
But the image that best reflects the kind of parenting we try to encourage at Saklan is the lighthouse parent.
Think of a lighthouse as a steady presence. It offers light, direction, and warning when rocks lie ahead. But it does not pursue the boat, take the wheel, or eliminate the waves.
That is something I fail at regularly.
When my daughter Finn struggles, my instinct is often to fix the problem. A few months ago, I saw a student who was visibly upset and sitting alone. I went over to help. I asked questions about what was wrong and what I could do.
It was not helping. In fact, the tears increased.
Finn was nearby and came over to whisper in my ear, “Daddy, talking does not help. You always do that.”
She was right.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is not offer a solution immediately. Sometimes (most times?) our children need us to listen, acknowledge what is hard, and give them room to find their way through the experience.
When I am at my best, I ask: “Do you want to be heard, to be hugged, or to be helped?”
That question communicates I hear you, I am here for you, I believe you can handle this.
That does not mean we leave children on their own. Lighthouse parenting is not passive parenting. Lighthouses still warn us about danger. They provide guidance and boundaries. They shine a light when the way forward is unclear.
But they do not calm the waves or move the rocks- nor should they.
At Saklan, we believe children are capable. We believe mistakes are part of learning. We believe clear boundaries express care. And we believe that struggle is healthy.
We cannot make the water perfectly calm for our children. Nor should we want to. Children need opportunities to face challenges, take risks, recover from mistakes, repair relationships, and discover that they are more capable than they realized.
Our work is to provide the steady light they need to find their way.
Warmly,
David
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